The Joy Scribbles

You write him a love letter. A long one. He says nothing except, "how do you keep finding new ways to break my heart? ". You say "sorry. I thought you should know. Even though I can't make a home I still love." He walks away. You realize then how selfish it is to keep asking people to stay. You suddenly think of all the men you've loved. The one who hurt you, the one who left, the one who was never really there, the one who loved someone else. How selfish of you to ask anyone to stay. Not when in the same breath you pushed them away. You pick them terribly dont you? You pick them the way young boys pick flowers for girls they love. Temporary fleets of attention, that wilt. You keep them much longer than you should. then they stench. Dead. Never buried. Just there dying, filling everything with the smell of death. Rotting the bits of you you love the most. You love every minute of it. You cry when they leave. Pull yourself apart. P

They're a number of love stories I've told but never ours. It's my favorite one.  Its the only one that ends without a sour taste in my mouth. The only one I still pray for. I pray for you. Did you know? Do you ever hear my prayers? I pray the way mother's pray for their children and women pray for their husbands. Prayer is a woman's best firearm is something my mother says. I don't think she meant for me to use all my Ammo protecting you. I don't think she meant for me to pray for you so hard. But, I find sanity in knowing that even in the moments when  I choose myself over loving you God will love you for me. In the moments when you would look to me look to him. I'm not nearly responsible to hold your heart in my hands without dropping it. I fear I already have, but I want you to know. All these years later, All these boys later, ' All these scars later, there's not a smile in the world that warms my heart more than yours.

                  I want to live a life where I don't break boys, even the ones I love.

My vagina is pretty.  She is definitely pretty in the conventional neat, everything tucked in kinda way. Or maybe not. Maybe Vagina's are supposed to have big lips. Or maybe they're supposed to have curly thick hair. Or nothing at all. But my vagina is a small girl. Uncomfortably small. She hates tampons, she hates pads. she hates anything scented. She really hates thongs. She particularly likes cotton. Doesn't mind lace. But God she hates thongs. My vagina is sassy. Confrontational. She holds grudges. Throws tantrums. Refuses friends. Picky. Sometimes she says no. Violently. Just No. No thanks. Not today. Not later either. Or tomorrow. Just No.