The Joy Scribbles

“ what the literal fuck are you doing? he is not your home, he hasn’t been in so long that even soft poetic souls know it’s time to let him go. you piece of shit. you never were good at things like this. you think because you loved him, it means he owes you the time of day? he didn’t ask for this. he didn’t ask you to stay. what are you doing? you know better than this. your teeth are knives and you are stone dragon. stop being soft for him. close off your ribs. close off your tongue, your spine, your lips. you aren’t supposed to care like this, like he’s the center of your happiness. why do you gotta be so fucking caught up in him? why couldn’t you just call it quits? what are you doing? why do you even give a shit?" [ Love ] Letters to Myself //  r.i.d

“ i’m not good at being in one piece. i shatter infinitely. i am always ruining something. but you: you see me like i’m strong. like if i held my hands together, i could bond the universe together instead of tearing it asunder.  you look at me with this heady mixture of awe and love and bottomless trust. you, who is so effortlessly kind and genuine and understanding. you, too good for me, too pure and real and full of the bright sun. you look at me like i’m your one. so maybe i can’t take showers with the lights on and maybe most nights i wake up covered in cold sweat and maybe responsibility gives me the same sickness as heights - but for the way you look at me - for you, i will fight. I will make it through but only because you asked me to //  r.i.d

@God I've been praying for answers. Or places. Somewhere to go. Somewhere to be. Something to see.

Words unspoken... i. I love you. ii. Come with me. iii. Or Wait for me. iv. Stay with me. v. I'll miss you. vi. Visit me. vii. God I love you. viii. my heart is breaking. ix. Please. x. Don't leave me. xi. We can fix it. xii. I'm sorry.

You will not trample me. You will not walk past me. look past me.  step over me. over look me. You will not silence me. you will not forget my existence. I am loud. I am big. I am strong. I am.  and I will make you remember me. 

Dear God,  In my next life I don't want to love travelling men.  I keep falling for men who are "In between".  In between cities,  In between women,  In between jobs,  In between. In my next life I want to love the kind of men that stay. As a matter of fact. I wanna be in between. In between cities, In between jobs, In between men, In between. 

You wanna tell him you love him. But your ego has her hand down on your throat. You're somewhere in between I can't breathe and God it feels good. Her hands are finger deep in you. You're trying not to scream his name. So you bite down on your own lips. The blood tastes like regret. You wish you'd called him then. What would you say? 'Hi"? Just Hi? You don't give people an all access pass  and have them just say Hi. Imagine that. The moon looks pretty tonight. "You're right" he says, "It reminds me of your soul." You kiss him. But then you wake. Check the doors 4 times. Stare at the moon through your window. She looks ordinary. It reminds you of your soul. Still can't believe what happened to day. I realized I haven't missed you in four days. But then I missed you. Relapse? I'm tired of missing. Let's start counting again. Stop writing poems. At least stop writing for boys that don'

i. To You.  I wish I hadn't told you secrets about myself.  Like that one about how sometimes after a really long day I run a hot shower just so I can cry.  I should not have scribbled my weaknesses on a piece of paper, folded it sixteen times and asked you to hold on to it for me.  You should have never heard me say "Sometimes I don't believe in myself" And "I believe in you"should not have comforted me.  I should not have made a home out of you.  I should not have walked into you, thrown off my shoes, taken off my pants and bra, settled on your lap and watched a rerun of Law and Order.  You should not have seen the woman I am on really dark cold nights.  No one should ever meet me when I am not "Poet, writer and super hero" No one should see what I look like without a coat of arrogance.  and I definitely shouldn't have worn your faith in me as a coat of Armour. But the way you say "You're Beautiful" mu

How do you know you've been in love? Give me a real answer  I don't know.  I don't know if I really don't know if I'm trying not to remember. Fair enough... Although that's your second favourite response Probably the latter.. I understand why He made me a much better person. I used to be so angry. And when I was with him I came all the way down. You could throw a drink in my face and I'd still be at peace. I remember the first time I realized I loved him. We had spent the weekend at his house. Friday and Saturday.  On Sunday evening we came to my house. He was dropping me off but I made dinner and we watched TV and we had sex and he took a nap and I woke him up to go home and he said he wanted to stay. And it was the 3rd day we would be spending together. All day. And I wanted him to stay and I realized I had never spent 3 consecutive days with anyone and not hated them by day 2.  And I had an anxiety attack and started crying because I knew I

 "but my definition of love is being robbed in an alley 8 times in a row and hoping there’s something about today that makes all of this different. There is nothing logical about cutting off the most important parts of yourself then putting them inside hands that shake, that tremble, that crack like a hatian sidewalk. Four, there is nothing rational about love. Love stutters when it gets nervous, love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy, and my heart doesn’t wear a helmet. Four, cupid is fucking irresponsible, and I’m tired of him using me for target practice.  Five, I was told that time would heal all wounds. But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?"