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(Letter Series)

Dear anyone,

I am alone again and for some reason it is not as free or burdening as I always thought it would be. Only different in that there is no one to hide myself behind, I am forced to myself for who I am. When I wake I cannot help but notice how much better I sleep. How much deeper it is. It is more filling and I no longer wake up thirsty for one more hour.

And when I go to bed I spend time staring at the bits of me that I have been told no one would love in the mirror. I no longer pick at them in disgust and I have started to remember where I got almost every single scar on my body. I am unbothered by them and have begun to giggle at the patchwork of stories crawling all over me.

I have noticed that there are annoying things about myself that I love. Things like how I run out of breath when I laugh. And boy do I laugh. I start right at the bottom of my diaphragm and I rumble and my head falls back and I can't find two fucks to give who watches me. Except me because I am so beautiful when I laugh and I never noticed.

But being alone did not take away my terrible need for crying in the shower after a long day. Or eating three plates of ice cream even though I already had dinner and a snack and I can barely hold them down. It has not calmed the storms in me. It has not made the dark days fewer just longer and a little bit terribly.

Yet, being alone is so much better than sinking in arms I am unsure of and I am doing terribly well.

Love,

Teej

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