Skip to main content

Alternates

The first time you realize you love someone you will be staring at them across a table. They will not notice you. They will be laughing or smiling. Or they will be reading a book with a crease in their forehead and you will ask yourself “How did I live my life without you?”. You will answer with “I never really lived.” You will breath in sharp and strong. The air will reach the bottom of your lungs and you will sigh heavily thinking “I love you”. And at that moment they will notice you. They will smile. 

You will not say it then. You will say it a month from now. Maybe you’ll be laying in bed and they’ll be playing with your hair. You’ll maybe whisper it “I love you.” If you’re lucky they’ll catch it and whisper it in your ear. If you’re unlucky you’ll scream it in the middle of an argument and they’ll stand there like a deer in the middle of a road. You will be the truck at High speed, Bright lights, Honking so they move. But they will stand there and you will slam the brakes and close your eyes. You won’t open them till you hear a thud. Then you will cry. You will drive home and tell your mom you broke someone. She will tell you that it won’t hurt so much in the morning. But it Will. It Will hurt. And you will stop to eat meat. Then stop to eat. Then refuse to drive. 


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Soul Cleanse Sundays: A Safe Space for ALL women of Color

" I wish there were places I felt safe to break in mote often. There are far and few. Sometimes between them I feel this swelling climbing up my throat and think this is it. Its too late to make it and so I crumble. Never forgetting that breaking is never beautiful. Its tears, blood and sweat. God I wish I wasn't so good at hiding my pain as poetry and prose. I wish I was better at planting confidence to grow into wings. But I plant doubt. I am mean to myself. I plant emptiness and so I never really become anything but an impostor. Nothing but an anxious shell of a pretender. Just an actress with a really good script for a strong woman. A brilliant one." I wrote this scribble in September 2017, a time in which my entire life felt like one big break. I was fragile and raw desperate for a place were I would be allowed to break in and where I would still be seen as a warrior even if I did. So when I did not find that place I decided to create it. One of the many goals I ...
1 comment
Read more

Day 2. A Letter to my crush

Dear Crush, I don't want to write this. This letter would remind me too much of how we began in endless possibilities and ended in Nothing.  I've got a thing for boys who read books, speak multiple languages and smell good. You are all of those. But it seems I've also got a taste for men with no taste for me. Do I taste dull? Do I taste stale while you taste like candy floss? Soft and sweet but so incredibly unhealthy. So incredibly unhealthy how many times you want to be just friends while your hand is in my pants and there's tequila in my breath. I use to think you were awesome and it makes me sad to watch your light flicker the faster I run away. I wanted to be friends. But you lied. I can't stand lies. Not when I'm giving you all of myself. I can't stand lies. Not when I'm giving all of myself. _ Nothing
2 comments
Read more
Why do you find the unavailable so alluring? Where did it begin? What went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?…And what about the others that would do anything for you. Why did you make them love you until you could not stand it? And how are you both of these women – both flighty and needful? Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you? Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay? —   Warsan Shire
Post a Comment
Read more