The Joy Scribbles

You should not have fell for me. Ask the previous one. Men do not survive me. I will not hold you. I will not love you. I will not codle you. I will command you. I will conquer you. I will leave you. You should have asked. Who will save you now?

Note To Self:  Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him. Do Not Love Him.

You said my green veins scared you. That you had always loved a light girl. But you had never seen such clear veins before.  Then you kissed my wrists.  and I whispered "It is because I wear my heart on my sleeve" You explained to me then the biology of hearts, veins and arteries.  And suddenly there was nothing magical  about green veins on light skin.  Except the idea of how long they'd bleed.

1.  I should not have said "I like you". Or maybe not over text.  I should have put my hand in your hair.  I should have looked you in the eye and said "Teach me how not to love you" 2. I have learnt your body.  I no longer stumble over you. No longer struggle to your eruptions.  But I do not know you.  3.  You have consumed parts of me I used to fear to touch.  Your tongue is my friend.  I have began to love him more than you.  4. I read somewhere that after 3 months a crush is no longer a crush. I should hate you by now.  But I still do not know you.

It would be a terrible shame to summarize my favorite memories into one person. Dear cousins. In general no specifics and non-specifics but... I like you guys. For getting me. and laughing with me.

Dear T.O.M The first time you kissed me I was 14 and scared. We were in a classroom and I was scared we would get caught. I was scared I wouldn't be a great person to kiss. I didn't know that at 20 your lips would still be my favourite to kiss. that your hands would still be my favourite to hold. That you would have scars on them from all the times you tried to protect me.

No one loves girls who snear when men tell them they are everything. No one loves girls with 20 tattoos 3 piercings and a body count of over 25. No one loves girls who drink black label and smoke 16 cigarettes a day. No one loves those girls. Yet I love you.

And you're stranded somewhere in between the first time he loved you and the first time he broke you. You cannot remember the in betweens just the extremity of how similar they both feel. Heart race so  fast. You can barely hear yourself think beyond the rumbling in your stomach. How funny love and pain have become intertwined in the few hours that you lay in his arms as his soul crept into yours. And you are standing on this Island on your own. surrounded by nothing but his capsizing fears and broken bits of masculinity floating in the tears you cried the first time his skin touched yours with more than love. With bruises you have never dared to look at or touch in fear that they would become real and capsize you too.  He is kneeling below you. Arms wrapped around your knees. Sobbing. He reminds you of your little brother the first time you left for college. How does a towering image of strength, How does a sturdy man crumble to his knees and wrap himself around you ...

You must have been five the first time you realized your grandmother was not your mother. I suspect that someone told you one day that your mother never loved you and that is why Grandma is raising you. You must have wondered what they meant. You didn't laugh at them or cry. But you spent the next few years trying to forget that sentence. And you were happy.. But suddenly you were old enough to realize that mama was much older than your friend's mothers. But you didn't crumble then did you? No. Only when your grandmother died and you buried her and your mom stood across from you crying and you realized that the only thing you guys had in common was loving a fragile old lady. I pray for you girl. I do.